| I Know That You Believe You Understand What You Think I Said, But I Am Not Sure You Realize That What You Heard Is Not What I Meant |
| If you lend someone $20. and never see them again, it was probably money well spent |
Addicted to Quilting
She Learned to Quilt on MONDAY.
Her stitches all were fine
She forgot to make us dinner
So we all went out to dine
She quilted miniatures on TUESDAY
she says they are a must
They really were quite lovely
But She forgot to dust
On WEDNESDAY it was a sampler.
She says stippling's fun
What Highlights What Shadows!
But The LAUNDRY was'nt done
Nine Patches were on Thursday
Green,Yellow,Blue and red.
I guess she really was engrossed
She never made the Bed.
It was wall hangings on Friday.
In colors she adores
It never bothered her at all
That crumbs were on the floor
I found a maid on SATURDAY
My week is now complete
My wife can quilt the hours away
The house will still be neat
Well, now its only SUNDAY
I think I,m about to wilt
I cursed,I raved,I ranted
Cause the Maid has learned to QUILT !
She Learned to Quilt on MONDAY.
Her stitches all were fine
She forgot to make us dinner
So we all went out to dine
She quilted miniatures on TUESDAY
she says they are a must
They really were quite lovely
But She forgot to dust
On WEDNESDAY it was a sampler.
She says stippling's fun
What Highlights What Shadows!
But The LAUNDRY was'nt done
Nine Patches were on Thursday
Green,Yellow,Blue and red.
I guess she really was engrossed
She never made the Bed.
It was wall hangings on Friday.
In colors she adores
It never bothered her at all
That crumbs were on the floor
I found a maid on SATURDAY
My week is now complete
My wife can quilt the hours away
The house will still be neat
Well, now its only SUNDAY
I think I,m about to wilt
I cursed,I raved,I ranted
Cause the Maid has learned to QUILT !
| WARNING When I am an old woman I shall wear Purple With a Red Hat which doesn't go and doesn't suit me. And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves And satin sandals, And say we've no money for butter. I shall sit down on the pavement when I'm tired And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells and run my stick along the public railings And make up for the sobriety of my youth. I shall go out in my slippers in the rain And pick the flowers in other peoples gardens... But maybe I ought to practice a little now? So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised When suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple. Jenny Joseph |
Did You Know?
Sewing Machine Accessories, like the machines themselves, had their
successes and failures.
One gadget that never quite caught on was a musical sewing machine
cover, patented in 1882, that held a player-piano roll and was run by
treadle power. The treadle also activated a sewing machine fan patented
in the 1870's and marketed for a dollar.
Among wackier devices was one that actually was used in the 19th
Century England,
that is until the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals
Stepped in. It was a sewing machine powered by small leashed dogs
on a kind of treadmill.
Thomas Edison supposedly invented another sewing machine, tho his
biography makes no mention of it...that worked on voice power.
A membrane mounted level with the operators mouth transformed sound
waves into energy.
One pair of scissors, invented in France, boasted 18 different
uses! It supposedly served, among other things, as a straight edge and
ruler, a nail file, screw driver,a pen knife, a glass cutter, a wire cutter, an
ink eraser, a pattern perforator, and a cigar clipper.
Sewing Machine Accessories, like the machines themselves, had their
successes and failures.
One gadget that never quite caught on was a musical sewing machine
cover, patented in 1882, that held a player-piano roll and was run by
treadle power. The treadle also activated a sewing machine fan patented
in the 1870's and marketed for a dollar.
Among wackier devices was one that actually was used in the 19th
Century England,
that is until the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals
Stepped in. It was a sewing machine powered by small leashed dogs
on a kind of treadmill.
Thomas Edison supposedly invented another sewing machine, tho his
biography makes no mention of it...that worked on voice power.
A membrane mounted level with the operators mouth transformed sound
waves into energy.
One pair of scissors, invented in France, boasted 18 different
uses! It supposedly served, among other things, as a straight edge and
ruler, a nail file, screw driver,a pen knife, a glass cutter, a wire cutter, an
ink eraser, a pattern perforator, and a cigar clipper.
| Send us your Jokes, Stories and Poems |
You Know you are a Quilter If........
There's more Fabric in the House than Food
"Fat Quarters" are not the heaviest part of your body
Your ironing board is always set up but you never iron
clothes
You think of your job as an interruption of your quilting
time
You pet Fabric
People are always picking threads off you
You can measure a scant 1/4 by eye
"Featherweight" Doesn't mean Boxer
Your "UFO's" are not from outer space
You clean up your sewing room & they think you are
leaving
There's more Fabric in the House than Food
"Fat Quarters" are not the heaviest part of your body
Your ironing board is always set up but you never iron
clothes
You think of your job as an interruption of your quilting
time
You pet Fabric
People are always picking threads off you
You can measure a scant 1/4 by eye
"Featherweight" Doesn't mean Boxer
Your "UFO's" are not from outer space
You clean up your sewing room & they think you are
leaving
Fabric Hoarders Beware !
A recent study has indicated that fabric gives off certain Pheromones, that
actually hypnotize women and cause them to purchase ungodly amounts.
When stored in large quantities in enclosed spaces, the Pheromones (in the fabric)
cause memory loss and induce the nesting syndrome ( similar to the ones
squirrels have before the onset of winter, i.e. storing food) therefore perpetuating their
species, and not having a population loss due to their kind being cut up into pieces and
mixed with others. Sound tests have also revealed that these fabrics emit a very
high-pitched sound, heard only by a select few of breed of women known as
customers.
When played backwards on an LP, the sounds are heard as chants "Buy me" "Cut
me" "Sew me"! In order to overcome the so-called feeding frenzy effect that these
fabrics cause, one must wear a face mask when entering a storage facility and use ear
plugs to avoid being pulled into their grip. (One must laugh however, at the sight of
customers in a fabric store, with WW2 army gas masks and headphones !)
Studies have also indicated that aliens have inhabited the earth, helping to spread
the effect that these fabrics have on the human population. They are called fabric
store clerks. It's also been my experience that these same Pheromones cause a
pathological need to secret these fabric purchases away when taken home (or at least
blend them into the existing stash) and when asked by a significant other if the fabric is
new, the reply is "I've had it for a while"
(Originally published in August 1997 in the Western North Carolina Quilters Guild
Newsletter) Written by Kathy (Smith) Harris, Tuscon AZ
A recent study has indicated that fabric gives off certain Pheromones, that
actually hypnotize women and cause them to purchase ungodly amounts.
When stored in large quantities in enclosed spaces, the Pheromones (in the fabric)
cause memory loss and induce the nesting syndrome ( similar to the ones
squirrels have before the onset of winter, i.e. storing food) therefore perpetuating their
species, and not having a population loss due to their kind being cut up into pieces and
mixed with others. Sound tests have also revealed that these fabrics emit a very
high-pitched sound, heard only by a select few of breed of women known as
customers.
When played backwards on an LP, the sounds are heard as chants "Buy me" "Cut
me" "Sew me"! In order to overcome the so-called feeding frenzy effect that these
fabrics cause, one must wear a face mask when entering a storage facility and use ear
plugs to avoid being pulled into their grip. (One must laugh however, at the sight of
customers in a fabric store, with WW2 army gas masks and headphones !)
Studies have also indicated that aliens have inhabited the earth, helping to spread
the effect that these fabrics have on the human population. They are called fabric
store clerks. It's also been my experience that these same Pheromones cause a
pathological need to secret these fabric purchases away when taken home (or at least
blend them into the existing stash) and when asked by a significant other if the fabric is
new, the reply is "I've had it for a while"
(Originally published in August 1997 in the Western North Carolina Quilters Guild
Newsletter) Written by Kathy (Smith) Harris, Tuscon AZ
Are you unsure which is the lengthwise and the
crosswise grain of the fabric?
The way to tell is to let the fabric SING to you.
Here's how:
Place one edge of the fabric in each hand with some slack in the fabric.
Pull the fabric taught
It will make a sound.
Listen to the pitch of that sound
Now repeat in the other direction
You will notice a difference in the pitch of the sound
The HIGHER Pitch is the lengthwise grain
The LOWER Pitch is the crosswise grain.
Patsy Shields from Sulky of America
crosswise grain of the fabric?
The way to tell is to let the fabric SING to you.
Here's how:
Place one edge of the fabric in each hand with some slack in the fabric.
Pull the fabric taught
It will make a sound.
Listen to the pitch of that sound
Now repeat in the other direction
You will notice a difference in the pitch of the sound
The HIGHER Pitch is the lengthwise grain
The LOWER Pitch is the crosswise grain.
Patsy Shields from Sulky of America
INSTALLING LOVE
Tech Support: Yes, How can I help you?
Customer: Well, after much consideration, I've decided to install Love.
Can you guide me through the process?
Tech Support: Yes, I can Help you are you ready to proceed?
Customer: Well, I'm not very technical, but I think I am Ready. What do I
do first?
Tech Support: The first step is to open your heart. Have you located your
heart?
Customer: Yes, but there are several other programs running right now. Is
it OK to install Love while they are running?
Tech Support: What programs are running?
Customer: Lets see, I have past hurt, Low self esteem, grudge and
resentment running right now.
Tech Support: No problem, Love will gradually erase Past Hurt from your
operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory but it will no
longer disrupt other programs. Love will eventually override Low
Self-Esteem with a module of its own called High Self-Esteem. However,
you have to completely turn off Grudge and Resentment. Those programs
prevent love from being properly installed. Can you turn those off?
Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?
Tech Support: With Pleasure. Go to your Start menu and invoke
forgiveness. Do this as many times as necessary until grudge and
resentment have been completely erased.
Customer: OK Done! Love has started installing itself. Is that normal?
Tech Support: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program.
You need to begin connecting to other Hearts in order to get upgrades.
Customer: OOPS! I have an error message already. It says
"Error-Program not run on external components." What should I do?
Tech Support: Don't worry. It means that the Love program is set to run
on internal hearts,but has not yet been run on your heart. In non-technical
terms, it simply means you have to love yourself before you can love others.
Customer: So, what should I do?
Tech Support: Pull down Self-Acceptance ; then click on the following
files: Forgive-Self; Realize Your Worth; and Acknowledge Your Limitations.
Customer: OK Done.
Tech Support: Now, copy them to the "My Heart" Directory. The system
will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching faulty programing.
Also,you need to delete verbose Self-Criticism from all directories and
empty your Recycle Bin to make sure it is completely gone and never
comes back
Customer: Got it! Hey! My heart is filling up with new files. Smile is playing
on my monitor and Peace and Contentment are copying themselves all
over my Heart! Is this normal?
Tech Support: Sometimes. For others it takes a while,but eventually
everything gets it at the proper time. So Love is installed and running. One
more thing before we hang up. Love is Freeware. Be sure to give it and its
various modules to everyone you meet. They will in turn share it with others
and return some cool modules back to you.
Sent in by Daniel Reeves
Tech Support: Yes, How can I help you?
Customer: Well, after much consideration, I've decided to install Love.
Can you guide me through the process?
Tech Support: Yes, I can Help you are you ready to proceed?
Customer: Well, I'm not very technical, but I think I am Ready. What do I
do first?
Tech Support: The first step is to open your heart. Have you located your
heart?
Customer: Yes, but there are several other programs running right now. Is
it OK to install Love while they are running?
Tech Support: What programs are running?
Customer: Lets see, I have past hurt, Low self esteem, grudge and
resentment running right now.
Tech Support: No problem, Love will gradually erase Past Hurt from your
operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory but it will no
longer disrupt other programs. Love will eventually override Low
Self-Esteem with a module of its own called High Self-Esteem. However,
you have to completely turn off Grudge and Resentment. Those programs
prevent love from being properly installed. Can you turn those off?
Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how?
Tech Support: With Pleasure. Go to your Start menu and invoke
forgiveness. Do this as many times as necessary until grudge and
resentment have been completely erased.
Customer: OK Done! Love has started installing itself. Is that normal?
Tech Support: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program.
You need to begin connecting to other Hearts in order to get upgrades.
Customer: OOPS! I have an error message already. It says
"Error-Program not run on external components." What should I do?
Tech Support: Don't worry. It means that the Love program is set to run
on internal hearts,but has not yet been run on your heart. In non-technical
terms, it simply means you have to love yourself before you can love others.
Customer: So, what should I do?
Tech Support: Pull down Self-Acceptance ; then click on the following
files: Forgive-Self; Realize Your Worth; and Acknowledge Your Limitations.
Customer: OK Done.
Tech Support: Now, copy them to the "My Heart" Directory. The system
will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching faulty programing.
Also,you need to delete verbose Self-Criticism from all directories and
empty your Recycle Bin to make sure it is completely gone and never
comes back
Customer: Got it! Hey! My heart is filling up with new files. Smile is playing
on my monitor and Peace and Contentment are copying themselves all
over my Heart! Is this normal?
Tech Support: Sometimes. For others it takes a while,but eventually
everything gets it at the proper time. So Love is installed and running. One
more thing before we hang up. Love is Freeware. Be sure to give it and its
various modules to everyone you meet. They will in turn share it with others
and return some cool modules back to you.
Sent in by Daniel Reeves
Please Scroll down for more funny stuff
| Old Quilters never Die They Just Go To Pieces |
Rules for Quilting
1. Always buy fabric no matter how much you
already have
2. Sew All Day and All Night absolutely no
cooking allowed
3. Use a lot of spit for tiny droplets of blood, this
always makes the quilt personal
4. Always start a new quilt before the last one is
finished, this requires you to go back to step # 1
1. Always buy fabric no matter how much you
already have
2. Sew All Day and All Night absolutely no
cooking allowed
3. Use a lot of spit for tiny droplets of blood, this
always makes the quilt personal
4. Always start a new quilt before the last one is
finished, this requires you to go back to step # 1
| "If you're not living on the edge, you're taking up too much room" Lorraine Teel |
| Knock Knock Who's there? Cotton Cotton Who? Cotton a trap Must buy more cotton! sent in by Kathy Stevens |
Quilting and Sewing Jokes